A Return

In honor of Good Friday (which occurred yesterday), I wanted to write a little bit about the surreal experience I had revisiting my childhood church. 

I am not religious by any means. But growing up, I attended Roman Catholic church. I think it's quite normal for kids to hate going to church -- for my case and for many, it's boring, quiet, I'm sitting next to strangers who I'm eyeing carefully behind my mother's shoulder for the slightest cough or sniffle they might have, so that during the dreaded "sign of peace" portion of mass, we intermingle extra long in our family unit so that we don't have to shake those peoples' hands. And why on earth does it have to be so early in the morning? I could be sleeping! I mumble the prayers and responses because I'm supposed to, but I don't know why. It's devoid of meaning, of depth, and yet I'm supposed to act this way, and this makes me holy and loved by God somehow??? And on and on. 

Yet as I step into the vastness of the church, I'm overtaken by a sense of awe and great love. As it has become ever since I began on the healer's path, now when I'm in any holy place, I'm sensitive to the vibrations and the energy there. I can't fully see auras yet but I don't need to. Immediately I look to the central altar and the large image of Jesus and it's shimmering with light. 

Back in my childhood, we always sat in the back. "To beat the crowd." We always drove in the back way of the parking lot and parked as far away from the entrance as possible for an easy getaway. It always drove me crazy. 

Now, I walk straight up the center aisle and sit face-to-face with God. I can't help but want to be close, to go up front, and experience as deeply, intimately, as I can.

It was all so surreal. After the initial wave of divine love sweeps down my Crown and spreads throughout my aura and captures me in a glorious, full-body chills sensation, I'm able to inhale deeply and exhale a breath of deep, profound gratitude. Gratitude that more than ever before, more than I ever could have hoped for or imagined in my lifetime, I can feel and experience god within. And not only within; as I pray, aloud or a whisper, or silently, as I bare my heart open I hear messages of response. I remember praying as a child and thinking, hoping, that I would hear an actual voice clearly in my ear or at the very least in my head. That never happened. For me, and again for many, it happens much more quietly as a stirring in the heart, or a sense of love or comfort that's beyond words. It's so quiet that unless we're still enough, we miss the message entirely.

Now, I know this. Now, I listen. And now, I hear, I feel, and I know, when I'm answered.

Instantly, constantly, flashes were happening. All the memories of going to church, and the experiences and perceptions I had. Of staring up at the ceiling, how I would note the patterns, the curve of the ceiling beams, the colors of the wood and marbling of the stone. The light shining through the stained glass windows. The images of the saints and angels. It seemed important, it seemed profound, and I didn't know. Happening in that present moment, I was staring at these same objects, these surroundings, and simultaneously remembering what I thought/saw in the past and now the present. I could see, and I could change the perceptions at will. I could loop in and out of time. I could superimpose thoughts and perceptions, together, one or the other. 

Plus, the emotions I was feeling, of profound gratitude and love from God within and around me and all of the ALIVE love vibrations and reverence offered from everyone having been in that space, ahh!!! Amazing.  I couldn't help but smile from the childlike wonder, that I couldn't even feel as a child! Then I smile more from... smiling!  From the corner of my mind, my childhood self is looking at me perplexed as if to say, You're crazy. 

Then I loop in and out of the feeling and mental inquiry of, why couldn't I feel this as a child? Because we're not taught how to feel. We're taught how to act, how to behave, what to say. But how on earth can we foster a sense of wonder, awe, and honor in God unless we cultivate that capacity in ourselves?

It has taken me YEARS to open my Heart. And even after opening a center of awareness (or a chakra), it takes practice to continue operating at that level until it becomes inherent. Even when this is achieved, there's more work to be done, because life is still happening. We have to continue to move forward even when we're healing old wounds or examining old behaviors, while trying to not let our brains get in the way... or the psyche, or socially and culturally imposed behaviors, attitudes and perceptions, on and on the list of possible, probable, and futile blame goes. 

I digress... the point of all that is, I had to learn what it was to LOVE in the first place, before I could truly understand God's love. And understand that God is within. 

Then with another exhale, of understanding and of some sadness, I looked up at the beautiful altar before me, in admiration and sadness, thinking: If we put as much effort into developing our inner temples, our inner selves, as we do our outer temples and altars, just imagine how beautiful and brilliant our world would be!

Memories help trigger these points of awareness and exploration. The desire to change comes from within.

I've moved back to my home town, my physical place of infancy, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Now I return as an adult; what an amazing evolution I can see spread before me, while still being present. Wow.

I stand up, I bow thank-you and good-bye to the divine beings in my midst. Knowing that the presence never really leaves -- it's just our sense of awareness of them that fades. So these beautiful churches, these temples, these places of worship ... may they remain, may they be an outward manifestation of the devotion we give to our inner selves, our spirit, our divinity. 

Peace, Blessed Be, Namaste, Sat Nam, Aho, Ashe, Shalom, And so it is. 

Journal Entry, January 2005: Astral Travel

I felt compelled to share this experience. It is a really clearly documented experience of astral travel -- one of my first experiences and definitely quite impactful. Edited slightly for clarity. Enjoy!

Sunday, January 2, 2005

I astral traveled last night.

It was about 2 am, I had just finished writing in my journal, and I fell asleep. I wasn’t necessarily even trying to meditate or leave my body. I started dreaming. At some point, I took control of myself in my own dream. The weird thing is, whenever I have done this from a dreaming state, it’s almost a scary experience leaving my body. In my dream, I was thinking to myself, “Ha ha, look at me, I can go wherever I want!” while I was moving about. The surest thing I remember is zipping towards my window, and falling through the face of a screaming (didn't hear sound, though) woman. I fell. And I was out.

I was looking at myself sleeping. I was looking at my nose and left side of my face from below; then the other side. Then I zoomed upward and turned over, looking at myself. I dipped forward and back, forward and back. While all of this was happening, I was having thoughts -- I didn’t know this was possible. I felt like my spirit was in the form of my body. I felt my hands. I had them clenched in fists. I clenched and unclenched them, each time, feeling the energy of them. It felt like my hands were electrical static.

I also felt pulls. I felt like my hair, or the top part of my head, was being pulled. It actually felt like my head was being stretched. Since all I know is experience in my earthly body, I kept expecting to feel pain. But all I felt was this electrical sensation.

I could see. It was as if I had my eyes. Everything was gray and fuzzy-like, as I remember from before. (note - I had astral traveled previously)

And there was no heat – as before. It felt cold, but it wasn’t cold. You don’t really hear anything, either.

I felt electrical surges in my legs. At one point, I willed myself to spin in the air, and I did. All I felt was my astral body surge with energy, up and down, and the slight view of surroundings twisting around. But, again, since in the earthly body you feel wind across your face to know you’re spinning, I wasn’t completely certain if I had done it or not. There’s no wind. Just a feeling of being connected to everything.

And all the while I was having thoughts. I was a little afraid. I kept wondering that maybe I wasn’t in control of my hands – and at the sensation of my head being pulled I wondered if the devil was doing this; If he was keeping my hands hostage and from moving, and if he was pulling me.

Well, I didn’t want to do this anymore if such was the case. So I thought to myself, "I want to go back to my body." I did. I woke up.

It was 2:40. It had felt like an eternity – at most I had probably been sleeping for a half hour. 

Then I lay in bed. And I asked the universe, as always, to watch over me, and help me see the light. I swear, I thought I saw an orb float across the ceiling. I saw circles of light – faint colored light – over me. I knew they were there. It was hard to fall asleep though. I didn’t know whether to close my eyes or keep them open – I didn’t know what I was going to see.

I keep wondering, why did it seem so cold, so dark? Besides the obvious fact that it was night, why was I not seeing beautiful light in my astral body? Why did it seem so scary – and why did I have dark thoughts beforehand and during while I did it? (note - now I realize I was exploring the lower astral planes)

Maybe it takes a traumatic experience to jolt your astral body from your body. Or at least while dreaming. The first time I astral traveled – it was freshman year high school – I just laid in my bed, willed my spirit to go to the mountains and elsewhere, and I lifted from my body. That was from a meditative state. The last couple times, it has happened from a dreaming state. So, this last experience has proved to me that both ways are possible. 

I’m just not quite used to it yet. I expect to be transported to a surreal world of color and light and beauty. Then I am reminded of the quote from Peter Kingsley’s book, “In the Dark Places of Wisdom":

 To ascend to the heights of Heaven, you must first descend to the depths of Hell.

Maybe this is all the world is – it’s not just light, or dark. It just is. 

It really is quite a unique feeling. All electrical, all a buzzing-like feeling. I wonder if I was really being pulled toward something. 

I’d like to astral travel in the daytime. I’m sure I’d see things differently.

The moment I was free, I was just floating. 

It truly was an out-of-this-world experience.

Why Do We Wanna Meditate, Again?

Need a quick reminder why to meditate? Give me the bottom line, you say. I'll be honest, sometimes I'm impatient and totally ADD. So I'll make it quick.

1. Get clarity

Why do we need clarity, you say? Well, it simply makes life easier. Our vision is clear, our goals are set, we have a strong set of principles. Therefore all decisions in life are made much simpler and easier. Less time wasted.

2. Cut the crap

Get rid of the brain chatter. Clean out the inbox. We don't need all those messages ricocheting around our head from ourselves, from others. There's enough to deal with. Get clear and focus on the stuff that matters. 

3. Be Productive; Manifest!

What's all the clarity and visioning for unless we make something good of it? It's satisfying, especially when aligned with our values. That is the point. 

It comes down to being more efficient and effective. Ultimately less time and energy are wasted and so there's more time and space available for other things we love. Yay!

Another cool tidbit... when we use our whole mind to create, we fulfill our destiny as a human being. In case any of these other points aren't enough ;-)

Now, go! Meditate, do good, repeat. 

Why Body Awareness is Crucial in Expanded Consciousness

I love to dance. I love to meditate. I do both. 

Increasingly, there is much emphasis placed on increasing self-awareness, our relation to others and the world. Yes, we are all connected beyond physical terms, and how beautiful to discover and nurture this ethereal awareness! But the more spiritual I become, the more custodial I am of my body. If we wanted to delve directly into the esoteric realms of the topic, I could introduce discourse on the serpent in the Bible and the Feminine principle. But that's not where I want to go with this.

Recently in my meditations, I have seen in my mind's eye swirling energies above the planet. I see this as the collective consciousness of a given corresponding geographic locale in the physical plane. I see that there are new energies being introduced to the planet and the simultaneous need to purge old energies to make way for the new. It's as if these collective energies are cuing up to manifest themselves. However, from what I see, there is serious need to cleanse our thoughts and consciousness for the purest of these to enter our reality. 

But how do we know for sure what are the highest vibrations? How do we choose? Or do we even get to choose at all?

I like to utilize the imagery of light refracting through a prism. 

So much of our consciousness is fractionated. Whether by our egos, our belief systems, or the external realm of media and news information, quite literally our attention, like a beam of light, becomes refracted through the fog. 

When we try to redirect our divided attention back to ourselves -- whatever the question or insight we're seeking -- it's no wonder we can be confused. By going within ourselves, back to our central Self, we can surpass this. We become our own gurus. 

So, what are some ways to get to know ourselves? 

Meditation. Breathing practices. Centering exercises. Energy work. And, yes -- Mindful Movement and Body Awareness.

We've heard it again and again, but it's true -- we are a society bombarded by distractions and sensory overload. We almost have to numb ourselves in order to cope. Before we know it, we're caught in an endless cycle of overstimulation and withdrawal, until we don't even know what our vital life force is anymore. 

By tapping into the wisdom of the body, we can bypass the mind chatter and unending engrossments. We return to our center, the core of our being and awareness, before any refraction occurs. In this state, there is calm, clarity, and peace. There is a sense of resolve and contentment. And it is easy. You don't need to think yourself here -- because you simply are. 

The beauty of Mindful Movement and Body Awareness is that with focused practice, one can arrive immediately in a state of present moment awareness. Try it -- whether through yoga, tai chi,  qigong, or any type of dance. Feel your energy in different areas of the body. Follow the breath. Feel the sensations and simply note what is there -- be it warmth, pain, tension, or flow. See how your awareness is not always in the brain and mental activities, but very much with us in our bodies. 

I urge you to cultivate true body awareness. This cannot happen by adding substances to our systems or by numbing ourselves. Even drugs only give a temporary high which fades. 

And so, I dance... I meditate... I let one flow into the other, all the while my consciousness riding the waves of movement... one not better than the other, but each a means for awareness. So please, I implore you, explore. 

  

Healing - Beyond Just a Practice

I think I'm finally getting it. 

That is, how to explain what I do. It's so funny when I meet people for the first time, or even when catching up with people, and inevitably the question arises, "What do you do for a living?" or, my favorite, "How is it going... whatever it is that you do?"

One way to answer is the technical way: With a person laying on a massage table, I use my hands in an intentional, heart-centered way, in a series of techniques with hands moving or still, with light touch or no touch, to balance someone's energy.

While completely accurate, this response is not complete. It leaves out the very nature of the work, which is also the greatest cause of its ambiguity -- that fact that it addresses our existence on spiritual, mental, and emotional levels of being -- and importantly, our experiences within them. 

In the beginning, I used to shy away from answering the question more fully in this way because honestly, it was a bit ambiguous. It's sometimes difficult to describe something that is so experiential and beyond physical, tangible context. While I wanted to explain my experiences, the logical part of my brain was fully aware of the words leaving my mouth and how crazy it all sounded. Because I didn't want to alienate myself, I would put a filter on my experiences and understandings, perhaps lending to vague generalist statements. 

But now, I don't filter myself. I speak from the heart and let the words flow, even if it sounds a little crazy. Or if at times there are no words at all. 

The world of healing is a world of poetry and flow. It's not just about getting the techniques right in the sequence of a healing session. It's about dedicating our own lives to continual self-evaluation, deconstruction, and rebuilding. 

Committing oneself to the path of a healer is about discovering just how complex and intricate we are -- how we learn and function, and what our principles, beliefs, and perceptions are. It's about being honest with where we need to heal ourselves; what areas are emotionally tender or psychologically frightening. As healing practitioners, we constantly delve into the places most fearful and vulnerable within ourselves. We experience everything viscerally and fully, coming out on the other side of the darkness with greater light, clarity, and awareness. 

We do this again and again so that when holding space for others, we can honestly say, "I know what you're going through. I know it's painful. I've been there. And it gets better. I've done it, and you can, too."

I've discovered that the process of healing is about breaking down the barriers we have set up within ourselves. This is what is meant by "dissolving the illusion of separateness." 

So, when I am asked, "What do you do for a living?" I answer, "It's not only about what I do, it's who I become."