I am so graced with a better understanding of mercy, compassion and forgiveness, that I can't wait to share.
Back in May I rear-ended someone's car. After the initial panic, the sickening heart-dropping sense in my gut, and shame, I emerged (rather quickly) invigorated with a newly strengthened respect for outer and inner authority. This was huge for me -- up until this point, I'd spent much of my life in fear of authority figures, for seemingly no reason. The level of apprehension varied between types of authority, but there was always an element of fear. There was a healthy dose of fear and respect for teachers, for instance, while with bosses it was nearly debilitating, especially when they were "coming down" on me, correcting me, or worse yet, angry with me. Interaction with them could render me speechless and to the point of paralysis. I remember a few instances standing up for myself while visibly trembling before them. It had been this way all my life and I pretty much believed that I would have to struggle with this for the rest of my life.
A huge breakthrough occurred only a week or two prior to this car incident. With the help of a trusted healer and therapist, I'd identified an initial instance in my childhood when this part of myself that feared authority was incepted into my being, from a brain-patterning perspective, a psychological-identity-forming perspective, to an energetic perspective.
Without going into full details of the memory for now, suffice to say that during this session, I was able to replay, slow down, and fast-forward as an observer to this memory. However, since I am so energetically sensitive and sensory in my experiences, I can literally feel exactly how I felt; I can experience the same emotions, sensations in my body, and to an extent recall the thoughts that were present. Depending on how long ago the memory is, this might require some imagination. However, no one else can live your experience for you. Since it is yourself and your memory, you'll likely surprise yourself with how easy it is to do this exercise.
Reliving this memory revealed that the sense of outer authority had been strongly imprinted on me. It was so strong that even when I wanted to be self-led and initiate activity, I held myself back, waiting for permission from some outer authority. This registered as an intense pressure to the left-top of my head, above my Crown. It then filtered down through my Throat, Heart and ultimately Solar Plexus, stopping forward movement -- like an invisible hand pressed against me.
I always felt like I was being watched, even when no one else was around. This influenced my proclivity towards being quiet, elusive, secretive. I never felt like I could fully be myself or act on my inner desires.
As children we are impacted enormously by our surroundings and everything within them, including our primary caregivers. Our brains are at a high degree of plasticity as we soak in new information from our initial experiences. This is how we learn about the world, our place within it, our relation to it, and begin to formulate our identity. The experiences we have up until age 7-8 determine to a great extent the neural pathways in our brain and our belief systems. The greater these are reinforced, the stronger the conditioning -- for better or worse.
As I felt deeply into this experience, I asked for healing. Strong, warming, laser-like sensations began in my Crown and spread throughout this space around my head. I held onto this feeling for a long time, as it crept down the sides of my skull and neck, through my Throat, and ultimately my Heart. I allowed the feeling to spread and stabilize, as if filling a void.
From this experience forward, my apprehension towards authority had seemingly vanished. It sounds incredible and it is! But believe me, I knew there would be experiences to test this new brain patterning and belief system. The biggest one, by far, had arrived.
As the various police arrived and began their questioning, normally I would have trembled. I would have been on the verge of tears. Afterward, I would have returned home, guilty and sulking, curling up figuratively (and sometimes literally) into a ball of self-pity and shame.
None of that happened.
After I gathered myself, I was surprised at how confident I felt. Still uncomfortable, but fully functional and present. This was completely different -- and I liked it! The more I felt into this new found feeling and state of being, the more accomplished and validated I felt for the inner work I'd done. I emerged with greater understanding and self-empowerment. It would still take time and practice to set this new pattern, but it didn't matter! There were no more doubts.
Just like that, my attitude towards authority transformed. It's noticeable even with simple occurrences, like seeing a cop car while driving and no longer getting apprehensive. Similar changes occurred in my dreams. Instead of having cops stop me or follow me in dreams, I notice them and simply continue on my way, and they continue on theirs. This is a sign of change towards outer authority as well as my sense of inner autonomy. In that one specific memory, I discovered that I had displaced my inner authority (or self-authoritative sense) outside of myself. I think we all do this as children, and it makes sense. But unless we are raised to cultivate a strong sense of Self, overcoming this initial patterning, an unhealthy view towards outer authority can show itself in rebelliousness, bitterness, passivity, or fear towards authority figures throughout the life. I can attest to this. It's a reflection of our sense of inner authority. Are we strong in our beliefs and expressing them? Are we confident and comfortable with ourselves, especially in the face of conflict or debate? Are we rigid with our way of thinking? Accepting of new ideas and points of view?
There would be a follow-up lesson in authority; I had a court date scheduled for 6 weeks later. Every day till then, I prayed for and visualized a benevolent outcome. I saw myself in court, calm and relaxed, standing tall, speaking my truth, asking for a clean slate. I wanted to learn and experience forgiveness with my full being. During the following weeks, this was definitely the theme of my experiences and meditations. I made a mistake, I was sorry, and I made no excuses. The most anyone can be is honest with themselves, examine the intent of their actions, and move forward, doing good in the world -- again, slightly different from what I would have done in the past, when fear and shame would have stagnated me and closed me off.
When the Summer Solstice came, a series of new transmissions from the Ascended Masters arrived (ask me more about this if you're interested). One of the transmissions came from Lord Alpha. In it, He offers a prayer that invokes His presence and protection against negative vibrations and energies for 24 hours. The first time I said the prayer, chills filtered down through my Crown and body. The vibration and sense of protection was palpable, unlike any other time I've said a prayer like this. I would use it again before the court date.
Following my curiosity, I came across more reading on the Ascended Masters. For the first time, I was introduced to Lady Portia. She is believed to be the twin flame of St. Germain. I will quote a description from one website:
"She holds the balance of mercy and judgement. She helps those who want to balance heart and head. She will also help those who judge and criticise others from the lower mind to raise their energy to their heart centre and be loving towards themselves and others. You may apply in meditation to the Lords of Karma for release of personal or collective karma ... Lady Portia is one who frequently offers grace. One can call to Her for assistance in legal action."
Lady Portia is the Goddess of Justice, representing compassion and mercy. She can be symbolized by the scales of justice, embodying the archetype of Libra. One phrase really struck me: "Justice is at the balance point of thought and feeling." Head and heart, thought and feeling, justice, karma ... it all seemed connected in my consciousness.
The morning of my court date, I said Lord Alpha's prayer, a prayer to the Lords of Karma, and some poignant prayers to Lady Portia that I had found (I will share this separately). I meditated on the image of the scales, the concept of justice, and that one sentence: "justice is at the balance point of thought and feeling."
I realized that since the fender-bender, throughout my prayers and visualizations, I'd been seeking the influence of Lady Portia; I'd been asking for mercy. I had always understood that from the physical existence standpoint, there were laws and insurance regulations to be dealt with. From a karmic perspective ... I could only pray, meditate, and hope for full understanding of the soul lessons. From the very beginning, I knew this incident was a sign that I needed to serve others more, and to move forward with long-standing plans -- but I needed some finishing touches (hence why I was literally halted from moving forward). I actively increased daily awareness from the Heart perspective -- benevolence, forgiveness -- I became more proactive with healing energy, and began expressing my inner authority. My new awareness and attitude towards authority was the final piece I needed to move forward with full zest and drive and inspiration of myself!
As I further contemplated justice and karma, another awareness crept into me. I never viewed law and justice as compassionate. Thinking of the Justice and Judgement cards from the Tarot deck, this part of existence always seemed cold, rigid, and harsh to me. Most people view karma as bad. Up until recently, we all know my view on authority was not positive. Yet all of the descriptions of Lady Portia said otherwise. I kept this in the back of my mind after coming across Lady Portia, and now brought it forward in my meditation. The realization was astounding.
Karma is in place to ensure that we fully learn the lessons placed before us. Without fulfillment of the Law, how could we ever hope to move forward in our soul's evolution? Or collectively? We need to be responsible for ourselves first, and the universe keeps tabs on us through karma, even when we're not fully aware ourselves. Thank goodness!
Through this karmic process, we are held accountable to become our best, because we are loved. This is the compassion of karma. We are held accountable because we are loved. And so here is the balance, the scales, of love for the soul simply in its existence, and the need to learn the lessons -- heart and head.
Finally, I understood. I saw the connection of karma, law, evolution, and compassion. Our carnal fear of punishment is probably imprinted on us from centuries of incarnations being subjected to man-made laws that are imperfect. In the higher planes of existence, justice is truly fair and impartial and aligned with Truth. This is why karma is not to be feared but embraced.
Regardless of the outcome that would come from court later that morning, or from the insurance company later, I would move forward and stand tall with this new understanding of justice. I would feel and emit the presence of Lady Portia to anyone willing to perceive it. And I would share this experience.
In the end, the citation was dismissed.
I am grateful! Now whenever I pray, I ask to be relieved of any karma. I want a clean slate. I want to move forward unhindered and in the fullness of my being. I do believe this is the greatest gift and aspiration we can have for ourselves.